[ P ] Beautiful Things

Using 1/2 lagoon tickets!

"Just a little further," he promised as he wove this way and that through the forest. It was like he was lost but also knew exactly where he was going. He hoped Sif would not be irritated with the time it was taking to find this place again but just when he was about to give up, he stepped through the foliage and into a warm mist. Khepri blinked, this was not exactly the place he'd been looking for but it was... beautiful The change in temperature was strange but the scene before him was an enchanting one. A clear lagoon and the first greenery he'd noticed since winter started. As soon as the mist hit him, he felt a sense of... desire wash over him. It was not a singular desire for the man, but more so a smattering of all the things that made him feel whole. He blinked and shook his head before moving to the clear water nestled in the lagoon. He bent to take a drink, then lifted his dripping muzzle to turn and look at Sif with a warm smile on his face. It had been a while since they'd gone out, just the two of them, and he hoped she was enjoying the time together as much as he was. It was nice to get away from the manse as his duties at the college, the pressure of maintaining a happy façade when inside he was still falling apart. Winter had come and still he felt no better since the loss of his sister but in this moment he almost forgot. In the low morning light Sif's golden fur seemed to gleam and he let his gaze trail over her body as if it was the only thing he needed. He cleared his throat and pulled his gaze to her eyes, still smiling. "This isn't where I intended to go, but what do you think? It seems lovely here." he asked as he tried to focus. "..."

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Sif Asgaut

“Almost? We are getting far too close to the border than what is reasonable, if you go much further North, Khepri. We can’t just free roam the entire land without consequence anymore,” she said with a sharp tone, her agitation growing the further from the kids they traveled. Had they been without a reason to head home, she wouldn’t care and would even risk playing with the devil if he chose to drag them there, but she wasn’t about to leave her near yearlings without parents. Maybe that added edge wasn’t only that but that fact that he was dragging her into his means of being a vacant parent. Maybe she should see it as a date or something but the desire to confront him since their little vacation with the kids only grew deeper with each day that she had to leave Xandria with the kids instead of Khepri.

In some ways it was a good thing, it gave them more socialization being around their cousins. The one she trusted or should trust the most is who should be watching them, and she was trying hard not to allow anger to override her love for him. She didn’t want to do something she might regret once her head cooled.

A sigh flared her nostrils as she thought maybe she shouldn’t have gone back to work and just continued caring for her littles till Spring, then none of this would matter at all. Her lips were about to open to mention those very thoughts when the land would become warm and the air heavy with moisture as if they had just stumbled upon a hot spring which she never remembered being here. Her ears twitched as confusion grew the more she looked around, but fear did not touch her thoughts, if anything she felt more relaxed somehow. Everything about this place was the very kind of thing she hated. Water. Heat. Lack of visibility and yet she didn’t turn away as she saw the joy in her husband’s eyes. Joy that had been missing for what felt like a lifetime.

“Khepri-” she took a step toward him till he spoke up, seeming no more in the know than her about this being here. “It’s peaceful,” she replied without much thought on the matter. Walking toward him, heat touched her cheeks as his gaze ravaged her, but she would turn her gaze away from him, keeping her focus on taking careful steps in that recurring discomfort around water. “I’d ask if this is where you’ve been running off to all the time, but it seems you don’t even know where here actually is, by that remark.” Her head shook as she reached the edge of the water, taking a seat at the edge but not daring to go into it like he had. She only watched him, not as tense as normal but still very much uncomfortable by the liquid in front of her.

He felt like he could hardly remember where he had been going as he looked in wonder upon this place; Sif's warnings did not fall upon deaf ears, however. He would have been careful not to cross into the newly dubbed Saora but now all thoughts of that were lost on him. His addled mind was scattered with many thoughts as he looked his wife over, a warmth radiating from his gaze like the warmth that surrounded them. "It's peaceful," she said, and he nodded in agreement. It was peaceful, in a mystical sort of way. The smile that had formed on his lips slowly disappeared with her comment and his gaze dropped as he came to rest beside her. "No, this isn't where I've been." he said, though she probably did not need that reassurance. He swallowed and looked out at the clear waters. "I've been stuck in my head, thinking about that day over and over. I-- I'm sorry." he said, turning his head to look at her. He was afraid to admit where he'd really been going but he thought that maybe he could stop now. Maybe he could pull it together and come home. It would take all of his strength and he was so, so weak. His legs trembled a little and he swallowed but a lump formed in his throat. He'd been thinking about it a lot since their trip to Mirror Lake and he knew that he could not continue this way if he didn't want to lose everything. "..."

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Sif Asgaut

She watched as shame engulfed his features, seeing that bliss that had been there wash away with the mist that cloaked them. As much as she hated seeing him sad, she felt no regret in causing that smile to vanish when her own had been such a clear lie as of late. For them to share pain, that had been an early influence in their love, and he had so easily stripped her of that shoulder to rest upon and he denied her shoulder just as much. It made her feel so empty, so lost as she continued on with her life without him. Her tongue would click against her teeth as he joined her, though she would not be so crass as to tell him to go away or anything of the sort. In the end she still loved him and that was why she even agreed to come at all.

Love made one foolish and blind for many, but she refused to allow it to do the same for her. Keeping her wits was always the better option than being easy to break and she’d live that way till her dying breath, at least on the scale of her heart. She couldn’t say her choices would always be so wise.

An ear would curve toward him as he spoke and her energy to be angry would fade some, knowing well what that felt like but never dwelled on it for long because she couldn’t. Their lives were so similar yet as individuals they were so opposite. He was always so quick to be consumed by his grief while she used it to push forward. Yet, he could be calmer in dire situations while she shattered, like in the forest. They were puzzle pieces to one another filling in the other's weaknesses and yet, right now, those pieces were a little scattered.

“Mourning is one thing Khepri but do you really want to be estranged from more of your children? You still have a chance not to lose these ones like you did Lia… and not to lose… me. We shouldn’t have to chase after you and not be able to find you,” she met his gaze for a moment before turning her head away from him, fur prickling along her shoulders. “If you can’t even tell me where you are, how am I supposed to trust you?” Tears trailed down her face though they did not reach her voice, trying her hardest to stay composed from his view.

With every word she spoke he felt a weight drop onto his shoulders. He was no shying away from his responsibilities but he was too drunk or high to deal with them most of the time anymore and that was why he was not there. He couldn't look his children in the face, couldn't look her in the face, as she told him what he already knew. Continuing this path would lead right back to his old life, a lonely life he had never wanted and did not wish to return to. She couldn't even look at him when she called her trust into question and his heart lurched in his chest. He could see the tears that trailed down her cheeks and all he wanted to do was wipe them away. So he did. He lifted a trembling hand to her cheek, brushing away the tears that stained her beautiful face, and a soft hum vibrated in his throat. It was a pained noise and not one joy or satisfaction. "I'm sorry," he whispered. He hadn't realized he'd been teetering so close to the edge all this time. He hadn't realized a lot, he guessed, because of the stupor he'd not allowed himself to climb out of these past few months. "I..." he paused a moment, unsure of whether telling her would only lead to an argument or not. That was the last thing he wanted but he was certain that by not telling her things would only get worse. What choice did he have? "I've fallen back into my old habits and I've been... drinking, I couldn't cope. I couldn't find anything else to numb the pain." he admitted quietly, his voice so soft and gentle that he thought perhaps she might not have heard him at all. But it was quiet here; this place offered him a sense of serenity that did not belong. "I need help," he strained. He feared he would always be this broken man but for her he would need to do better, be better. He had to pull himself out of this for her and the children. He just needed a lifeline out of the sorrow he was drowning in. "..."

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Sif Asgaut

Her shoulders tensed as she tried to pull herself together, wondering when she became such a crying mess over the years. It was like Khepri’s existence encouraged tears to form since the day she met him. He had seen her cry time and time again, so many more times than any other in her life besides maybe when she was merely a baby in her mother’s arms. Was it because she was comfortable around him? No, that couldn’t be right cause it was happening years before she ever trusted him. To think she was pulling that very trust into question now, something she thought she could always cherish with him, but he had stepped a little too far with his current choices. She saw no allure in lying to herself, pretending that everything was alright like she did around the children and everyone else.

His silence didn’t help her at the moment, half expecting him to vanish and not be there when she might turn around, as if just a phantom from the beginning. Lips pressed, ears purposely twitched forward to not appear any sadder than her face already betrayed but much to her surprise he would cross the threshold of her personal bubble. She would not fight the hand that guided her face to him, feeling that vibration of someone scared. That lid would remain closed even as his gaze could rest upon her own again, refusing to let him see her heartache as he uttered apologies again.

“You know apologies mean little to me, no matter how many times you utter them,” she replied back, finding such words so easily tossed around by many. A sorry could not heal or change anything, they could be the largest lies of all just to get a result that was desired. It was a nice notion. She knew all too well how little it meant when it stopped meaning anything countless times she had spoken it to her daughter. Actions had been what would bring that smile back, the real one. She was understanding that more and more by the second as to why and it brought with it more misery. It was just another form of an excuse, a pardon that not everyone deserved.

Amber would open to his confession, though finding it only half given by the way he hesitated and the shame that came off of him. Without warning, she would abruptly press her muzzle into his fur, taking in the scents of his coat for the answer he didn’t wish to give. Where she wanted to believe drinking was the worst of it, there was a more prominent odor upon his pelt again. He always smelled of drugs, his natural perfume was caked in it but when he was using it was more alive and fragrant and as she took in those gentle sniffs, that would become all too telling. “Then confess to everything…stop running,” her ears tilted back in anger and yet her voice was delicate, coaxing. Old habits weren't enough for her because that could mean many things. Hiding away. Avoiding responsibility. The list could go on forever, he had too many habits.

“Am I not enough anymore to make you happy?” The words were ominous, even though her eye couldn’t hide the pain in such a question. Why was she asking these things so openly? She didn't feel right but her shield continued to collapse, and her fears would plague her lips.

"I know," he murmured. While she might not believe his apology, he wished she could hear the sincerity in his words. He was sorry, but that had little to do with everything else. She came closer without warning and a part of him tensed. He wasn't sure whether to be relieved or confused by the soft nuzzle into his fur and only when he heard her gentle inhaling did his body stiffen. The scent he wore was a dead giveaway and she was no fool-- she could put two and two together and when she spoke again despite the irritation in her features she was gentle. He tried to releax beneath her scrutinizing stare but he couldn't find the willpower. He stood there, stiffly, staring back in silence. He swallowed and shook his head, feeling irritation spark at being forced to lay it all bare. "Valerian." he said dryly. it wasn't like doctors didn't prescribe the drug for the very thing he needed it for, it wasn't like he was doing anything wrong... at least that was what he told himself to make it feel okay. He drew away, frowning now as he looked at her. The question on her lips stunned him into further silence. He wasn't sure what to make of it and he wasn't sure how to rectify the feelings she was having but he did know that her sense of worth was not worth it. He didn't do these things because she wasn't good enough he did them because he wasn't good enough. "You're wrong," he said with a little more force than he meant to. His brows creased as he moved towards her again, his body becoming a little less stiff as he moved. "You're more than enough for me, you're everything." he said. She was the reason he kept having this fight within himself to begin with. If not for her he might've given up the moment he saw Nassar die before his very eyes. He grabbed her, perhaps more roughly than intended, and pressed her body to his. As if she might run, he clutched her painfully tight. "You don't understand," he said, his voice cracking. He thought he might cry then but no tears were shed as he held her before him. He didn't know how to get her to understand that she had nothing to do with this; that it was a mistake that he fought every day to right. "..."

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Sif Asgaut

He didn’t wilt under her gaze but he didn’t try to threaten her with a larger stance either as he accepted her lack of acceptance in his words. When she touched him, however, she could feel every muscle constrict in her inspection of his fur, each whiff seeming to only make it worse. She was not used to him becoming uncomfortable by the invasion of her in his space, maybe a twitch here or there if she was arousing him but not this desire to pull from her. She could feel her brows knitting a little at the realization that even when she pinned him, manhandled him, he always just submitted to her. This time was different. It wasn’t just shame that riddled him, guilt was playing a heavy part, he’d probably favor her backing off. Too bad that wasn’t her plan for this moment in time, though once he spoke up, her expression softened just a touch since she couldn’t doubt that as true. He was being honest with her and that was a step in the correct direction. It was short lived when he actually removed himself from her, only adding to her choice to sputter her last question.

She felt her head dropping, expecting him to run off and avoid such a question altogether with how he was behaving thus far. They used to dwell in sin together from time to time, those drugs had drawn her to him time and time again in that cruel addiction he had started her on for her pain. That scent, how it pulled at her every sense and the thought of feeling that high was so tantalizing, but she fought it, clogging her ability to think. It already felt like she had ingested some without knowing but she hadn’t even eaten today.

As she started to draw in a breath to ease herself, shaky with craving, she about jumped when he suddenly spoke rather aggressively. Her head started to turn only to be gripped into a tight and forceful embrace she hadn’t experienced from him before, at first it is triggering a desire of flight but everything about him eased it as fast as it came, that harnessed trust of his love and respect to never harm her winning out on any impulse of her body thinking pain might come. She eased into the embrace but his word, the cracking of his voice would scatter that ease. Fangs would swiftly find his ear and snap, pulling his head down with possibly enough force to leave some scratches but not hard enough to draw blood.

“I understand perfectly well everything you have gone through, Khepri, I’ve lived it all. I’ve seen a field of my red made from my family's corpses. I’ve lost, done and seen so much. I’ve fallen into the void of alcohol and drugs to run away from things you’ve never had to deal with too back when we met,” she was close to crying herself, but anger was winning in her tone before it would fade, and her forehead smacked into his collar in frustrated defeat of even thinking of breaking from his hold. “The difference is when I slipped, I didn’t try to hide it from you or keep it from you when I broke my sobriety from the nightmares and war that were getting to me. You found me in the house with a bottle, losing my fucking mind. I let you heal me…I let you into my pain no matter how much I wanted to run from everything…but you… you can’t share yours with me unless I make you? Why is it so hard to confide in me?” her voice was a decrescendo as it fell into a whisper.

She was too quick for him to avoid, her teeth latching onto his ear and pulling his head down slightly in one of her fits of anger she was prone to. He might've growled, had she drawn blood, but he was more or less unharmed. When she released him he left his head low, staring at the ground beneath their paws, honied eyes glistening with unshed tears as she waged her war against him. Her voice was little more than a whisper by the time she was done and it was then that he lifted his gaze to meet hers. "I didn't want to drag you down with me," he admitted, finding strength in his words as he tone sharpened. "I only want to make you happy, more than anything. I want to be a good husband and father but how can I do that when all I can think about is how to get rid of these awful feelings, this crushing emptiness." How was he supposed to do anything meaningful when all he could think about was how to get his next fix? In the recesses of his mind, the niggling desire was always there. He wished he could be free of it but he didn't know how to be without it. He'd grown complacent and comfortable in his misery and now he just didn't know how to climb out. Sif's paw was reaching for him, outstretched and ready to grab hold of something, anything, but he just pushed it away in favor of suffering alone. Emotion churned within him and he shook his head, unsure of how to explain any of this to her without her taking it the wrong way. So maybe he should try instead. Maybe he should take her hand and let her guide him to a better place. Certainly it seemed more enticing than the alternative. "I never wanted to be the one that hurt you but it seems like I've already done that." He wanted to apologize over and over, but he knew the sentiment was lost on her. He would have to show her instead. He would have to take her hand and lean into the solace she offered so that he could find his own. "Maybe I should try doing something different," he said. His expression softened somewhat as he looked at her. He was reaching for her now... but would it be too late? "..."

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Sif Asgaut

There wasn’t an ounce of surprise that he didn’t resist her fangs, used to him being fairly submissive toward her and she wasn’t sure that would ever change. Only one time she could recall him actually showing a tempter back that made him seem more like his bloodline and that was when she had accused him of horrible things, and he had every right to defend himself when he was innocent of it all. He was never a stalker, never a rapist but her mind had been so convinced that he was. So afraid he was for years with no true proof to show for it, only paranoia and bad experiences blurring her cognition. Her perspective had changed so much since then. Over three years ago, she would have never thought such a man would be her husband now, blessed her with children, gave her some happiness for a little while until the death of Nassar, Leoric, Illaria and Ahkoris ruined it all. Though she didn’t blame any of them for his choices, it might have been easier if she did.

Her ears tilted back as he spoke up after she released her hold on him, meeting his increased intensity with a burning flame of her own in her gut, not a fan of his answer but sympathizing with it. She had done the same for nearly two years, suffering alone with illegal substances and away from the one she loved. Maybe that was why she was trying to allow him another chance, a way to remedy all of this but he seemed so bent on not taking it as he continued to spill excuses at her feet.

Lifting her head as it shifted away from excuses, he wasn’t wrong at all on the remark about hurting her. “I needed you with me, we needed to support one another. You promised that I would never have to raise these children alone back when you learned I was pregnant. It isn’t fair for Xandria to have to step in for you time and time again. She needs time to mourn too,” she sighed, doing her best to calm that temper that kept wanting to get the best of her. The air around them seemed to help ease that edge, feeling that drug like effect the longer they were here. With another breath in, it seemed to ease even more, making her shoulders sink as she folded into him all the more. Gently nudging her muzzle to his cheek, tail twitching side to side in the water, disturbing the surface.

“Promise me again and this time, don’t break it. Let me be your drug,” she met his gaze, expectant. She wanted the love and support of her husband, not empty bed sheets and confused children pining for the one missing.