[ P ] The death of peace of mind

  

The shuffle of nurses around him was background noise. He was home. That knowledge allowed him to relax, to fully let his guard down and let his body truly rest. He had been given a slew of herbs that he didn't taste and barely remembered. Whatever he had been given had sedated him. Kenzo laid comfortably and quietly in one of the medical rooms that barracks was equipped with. Against his will, they had opted to keep him heavily sedated, probably due to his fathers unruly behavior whenever he spent time in the medical bay. Better to be safe than sorry he had heard someone mutter though he hadn't offered any resistance. It was a small mercy, to not care about those that flittered in and out of his temporary room. To not tense at the sound of someone approaching, to not lunge at the poor, unsuspecting wolf that touched him, it was a mercy he hadn't known until now. In and out of consciousness, he did the only thing he could. Sleep. But there wasn't a sedative strong enough to keep his wife from his thoughts. Eyes fluttered opened whenever he heard someone enter and each time it wasn't Adeline, he grew more and more upset. More and more restless. His cooperation was steadily slipping away. Dirtied paws began to twitch, shifting uselessly against the makeshift bed. He still didn't have the answers he wanted, needed. Ryker had promised to get her, to bring Adeline here. Surely that meant she was alive? Surely Ryker would know? It was the inkling of doubt that festered and thrust him into the world of consciousness. A world were his body ached and his injuried burned. A world were his lips lifted with displeasure as he snarled a command at the nearest nurse. "Bring. Me. My. Wife." "If the accident will." "Kenzo Speech." "Adeline Speech"

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Paws were like a springtrap the moment she was told he was alive, he was here and safe but still a distance away from here. He wasn’t home. He was somewhere in a place that wasn’t keen on welcoming her but any thoughts she had about him would spur a surge of disbelief that he was truly alive. Hesitation rolled within, stopping a few times on her voyage to the barracks as she tried to make quick work to get to him. What if it was a mistake? What if it wasn’t even him? Her stomach lurched and she felt like vomiting at the very thought or maybe it was the plastered hangover she was suffering from that wanted to purge itself from her body. A headache pounded while nausea crawled in her throat, a dizziness made the world spin like a coaster if she tried to look too much toward the sun. Thankfully the sky was covered in a tree canopy, blocking a good variety of light from touching down to the earth below.

Drinking really had been a horrible idea, she wasn’t used to the aftermath so much anymore after being sober for a while. She longed for the toxins but not the effects it left behind. A dull forgetful mind. Maybe not entirely forgetful. Nalik’s words repeatedly haunted her, filling her with doubts she wouldn’t normally have so easily on her own. She had been so quick to defend the likes of her husband, that he was strong and capable but when even his own father spoke of him never returning… it ate away at her psyche. It made her think that August was delusional, just like her.

A sigh escaped her lungs as she decided to continue on, pushing those uncertainties to the back of her mind as she charged toward the barracks once more, eager to see for herself if her heart would be on the other side of the doors. Her lips parted when she came face to face with a guard, not really wanting to deal with one again after last time had gone so sour. Before she could even attempt to bite their head off, the man perked up before stepping to the side to allow her in, which seemed foreign to her as normally they were so rude and bitter. It made her stomach do flips, not sure if she should be even more worried by that kindness or relieved.

She was being guided without even speaking a word, a silent travel from the gate to the medical unit. Her normal fire was nowhere to be seen as she crossed the threshold into his room away from the training soldiers that made far too much noise for her liking. Her mind too focused on where she was going, she didn’t even check to see if anyone else she knew were within the stone confines. No one else mattered right now. No one.

“Ke-Kenny?” her voice cracked once she saw him upon a futon, his name burning her throat like a potent shot but followed with a sweetness as she stumbled forward a few feet, her tail swishing and her ears drawn back. He was filthy but, in the moment, it was the least of her concerns as robotic steps were made out of hesitation about containing herself or letting everything fly out in a tornado. “Kenny!” she repeated with more certainty as she charged toward him, and full body tackled him and sent him to his back if he tried to stand up. Tears welled up in her eyes, head burying into his coat without care for where he might all hurt.

“You’re alive! You’re…alive. Thank hell he was wrong,” her voice would decrescendo, living in the moment by allowing his fur to hide the sight of him as her body lost its tension to sink into his form.

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Ke-Kenny? Despite himself, his glossy eyes snapped to the door. The rest of him was slow to follow but ears would sluggishly press forward, attentive to the familiarity of her voice. Recognition flashed in his eyes as he froze, soaking in the sight of her. Relief was next and it was staggering. It stole the air from his lungs. She was here. She was alive. She was safe. “Adeline.” He breathed her name. Before he could say or do anymore, she was rushing towards him, throwing herself at him. She collided with his bed bound figure, forcing a grunt from his throat. Pain was quick to spread across his flesh as she jostled him, shattering the soothing numbness of pain relieving her s, causing him to stiffen and his breath to hiss between clenched teeth. But he offered no resistance, bending to her will just as he always had. Dragging in a steadying breath, he rode out the discomfort she caused as she buried herself against him, her face hidden in the thick of his coat. Curling around her, he wasn’t sure which hurt more, moving or her body slamming into him. But it didn’t matter. She was rambling, her words muffled against his skin as she cried that he was alive and that she was thankful someone was wrong. It didn’t stick in his mind for long, his entire focus was on her. Burying his nose in her fur, he greedily sucked in her perfume, filling his lungs with the sweet aroma of roses and scotch. “You’re alive.” He mumbled the words against her skin. Her body heat soaked into him, the sensation as soothing as it was comforting. A shuttering breath was accompanied by a slight wheeze as he slowly relaxed against her. Anxiety melted away, the pit in his stomach disappeared and it no longer felt like a guillotine was hanging over his head. “I’ve been so worried.” He stumbled over his murmured words. Sinking into her embrace, he rolled, shifting them so that he leaned over her, laying his upper half across her. Urgently, he pressed himself against her, wherever her could. Ignoring the dirt and grime that he smeared across her auburn locks, he pressed her smell into each tendril, as if his life depended on it. As if he were making absolutely sure that she was here. “I…I thought…” He didn’t finish the thought, the words rushing out in a mumbled flurry. The longer he held her, the more assured he was that she was here, that she was fine, unharmed. It softened the lingering tension in tight muscles. It evened his breathing and slowed the beat of his heart. It opened his eyes to just how tightly she had him wrapped around her finger, just how much he loved her. Before the war, he might have called it ab obsession. But now it was that and more. There was nothing that mattered more, nothing that would put the air in his lungs like her. A long lost smile was slow to spread across his dirty lips. "If the accident will." "Kenzo Speech." "Adeline Speech"

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She could tell in seconds of melting into him that her very touch was harming him but that didn’t deter her from remaining pressed close with only internal remorse, feeling bad yet doing nothing to stop it on the outside. She wanted to melt into his very skin, become one with his body but not in a sexual way they usually were prone to head to. Fused in a way he could never leave her again and that thought burned into her every muscle, pressing more and more into him as if it would allow such a feat to happen. That pressure would stop before she could do any actual damage, conscious of how rough she was being out of her excitement and possession over him. She had what was hers back even if in the form of broken goods. Tears swelled at the rim of her eyes at that thought and at the whisper of her name.

“Say it again,” famished, she would hungrily beg him to say her name again. Wanting to hear it more clearly on his tongue and how honey stuck to each syllable from his low baritones. How she missed that rumble in her chest so, in ways that made her legs weak and her pine for his touch. She didn’t have to beg for that, feeling his muzzle graze her, feeling the heat of his breath penetrating the hairs to get to her skin and rushing goosebumps across her lithe form.

The echoing of her worries coming from him about her made her heart race before bounding up into her chest, confused on why he would think she of all wolves would be dead. Did he think that half faced monster would have scooped her up in his absence or that she was stolen by a different enemy she knew not of? Where her husband was often lacking in words, it was rare he had troubles getting them out once he started them, once he had a grasp of them. The command was gone, there was weakness there she wasn’t used to ever seeing in him and she was afraid to soak him in with her eyes but she couldn’t hide in his fur forever. It would be easier than facing him though. She wouldn’t focus on that just now though, even as she pulled her head away finally to take him in, flinching slightly at the scars she could see so close up.

Relief was swiftly replaced with a bubbling anger tamed only by love within her gaze as she looked at him, brow and nose bridge wrinkling. She looked rather puffy as well as her fur stuck up with upset. “Worried for me!? You promised to run! Why didn’t you?” she reprimanded, a growl on her tongue as tears slid down against her will. Headbutting his cheek mostly gently but enough for him to feel it like during their training lessons, as if giving his cheek a little open hand slap.

That wasn’t her only question, however, as she sucked in a breath, feeling like she forgot to breathe since she got here. “Did he save you or did you escape on your own?” she asked a bit softer, curious if Odyessus did his job.

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Adeline pressed into him, sealing herself against him as if she meant to sink beneath his skin. He didn’t blame her, he was doing the same. The initial shock of being jostled so unexpectedly would fade, pain subsiding to its usual dull ache that flared only when she moved. Kenzo suffered in silence, choosing to instead wrap himself in her embrace like his life depended on it. Nothing else around him matter. The sounds of medical staff bustling about, chatting with each other while tending to other patients, it all faded until it was nonexistent. He listened to the sounds of her breathing, a sound he hadn’t heard in what felt like a lifetime. “Adeline.” He obliged, speaking up this time as honey coated her name. It felt good to say it so freely, the syllables gone too long from his tongue. He’d been gone from all of her for too long. So when she pulled back, he let her, eager to look at her, to retrace the planes of her face. She flinched, barely, but it was enough to cause a shadow of doubt to darken his features for a split second before he tucked it away. Kenzo was well aware of his injuries. They littered his body, most would disappear beneath the thick of his coat once healed. But that little bitch had tried to blind him and she’d been nearly successful. The swelling was long gone, the capillaries still remained broken in his eye but he could see. Over and under his eye were two long scars where the Jacobite had dragged her fangs across his visage. It would heal but he’d carry the reminder for the rest of his life. His wife’s anger jerked him from thoughts of his wounds. her anger was directed at him. Her was both surprised and not. Tears wet her cheeks, warring against the growl in her voice. She accused him of breaking his promise. “I didn’t see her coming.” He tried to keep the displeasure off his face. “She got the side of my face, nearly got my eye. It was all over then.” The finer details were a blur but he remembered the way he fell, how he struck the earth with a thud. Adeline would head butt him then, knocking her crown against his cheek without enough force to drive her point home. It wasn’t enough to send stars dancing across his vision, but she’d click his teeth together. “I woke up in Jacob’s prison.” Where he spent some of the longest weeks of his life. Her voice softened, asking if he had done his job. A brow arched in silent question. He? “I managed to escape the prison. I found Ryker and Odysseus on my way home.” He omitted the part about finding his mother too, how she was likely the reason he even survived the journey home. No one needed to know that though. It was knowledge he’d take with him to the grave. His family had enough issues without dragging Merrin back in to add to it. Emerald and lavender eyes bore into her, tempted to get lost in the expanse of the her gaze. Surely there was better than the turmoil that swam just beneath his surface. His relief that she was okay was palpable, but it did little to ease his reactivity to the rest of his environment. Eyes scanned, almost constantly, flicking to the door regularly as if he expected to storm in. The way the sedation made him sluggish seemed to only make it worse, his senses infuriatingly dull to everything except what was right in front of him that he could focus on. Leaning in, he’d gently press his nose to her cheek, as if to wipe away her fears with a thumb. "If the accident will." "Kenzo Speech." "Adeline Speech"

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Dark lips parted into a silent gasp as he cradled her, making it all the more real that he was here again, safe and sound. This was no ghost, far too warm to be one but she couldn’t handle the chill that danced along her skin as his heat ebbed it away for good. It was easy to fall into him while her gaze didn’t look at him and didn’t have to exist in the same reality that he was broken and weak in or think about the filth that he wrapped around her like a dirty rag. She knew if she focused her thoughts on all the bad, she would find herself pulling away instead of being the support he clearly needed in the moment. She wanted to be that support because he had been one for her when that piece of garbage harmed her and when her mother humiliated her. She wanted to return it all tenfold no matter how much it was against who she had been for so long.

A smile spread along her lips as he recited her name a second time, this time with more feeling and it melted her all the more as her lips trailed a few kisses against his chest while her eyes remained gently closed. There would be little flares of light here and there as the seal would break, not enough for her to view the damages. She could smell it all though, the sting of iron and the musk of grime. That fragrance amplified by the taste on her tongue that made it all too real, allowing the tremor that desired to manifest echo over her shoulders and into his hide as if it was another tingle of excitement taking hold. It was far from that. The complete opposite and she felt so wrong for it.

She’d like to think conversation would soften such feelings but not when it was all about the very thing that eventually sent tears down, ones impossible to hide. His explanation was of little help to cushion what happened to him, feeling like he should have been more capable than those not trained as well as those in their own army. Then again, even Nalik the Colonel fell so easily to the masses. She’d argue her blind friend fought better than either of them and if pride had its way with her, she’d compare him to her own experience. To say it was the same though, she knew it wasn’t. She had giants protecting her the whole time. Sylvain, Ryker, that grey man she didn’t know the name of, that seemed to go everywhere she was. Admittedly, she found it kind of creepy at the time just because he was some random man but now she was kind of thankful he had been a protective shadow.

“You’re alive. You’re here. That's all that matters now,” a paw would gently raise to brush his cheek and focus on those eyes that sought her. She would let out a relieved breath instead of holding onto that anger over promises broken. Where she had found the scars he had gotten protecting her, beautiful, these ones obtained in a different way didn’t hold the same luster within her gaze. She could rig it into her head these were a means of protecting her but they were more so protecting everyone and there was that greed there that only wanted him harmed in the wake of protecting her and no one else if he had to be harmed.

At least, that was the reason she assumed but far be it for her to ever understand her own emotions. She was horrible at understanding herself even more than understanding others.

Ears tipped back as he admitted his own escape, not really noticing him inquiring on who she meant. “So we failed you…we had hired Odysseus to free you. Your father was utterly useless when I asked him for help…he didn't seem to have any hope for your return anyway,” the words came out small and guilty. She would fall into her own thoughts for a moment, gaze drifting down before peering back up at him as some information seemed important as a dead body was fresh on her mind. “I’m not sure if Ryker told you but Nalik is in rough shape and he’s grieving, I think. I saw it. That one commoner girl. She died protecting his unconscious body on the battlefield. I saw so much death Kenny. I…I…” she grew silent then, feeling dirty as the images played in her head of all the carnage and the very things she had done to the fear he too was one of those that died and she had just failed to see.

Her attention would be obtained when he pressed his nose to her cheek, leaning into his touch and closing her eyes. She felt safe, whole. Her heart had returned to her. She moved to place a passionate kiss upon his lips if he’d let her.

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While her thoughts raced chaotically behind her closed eyes, his were filled with nothing but her. Though on some level, maybe they shared the same worries. He knew his wife was vain, toxically so, and while he sported his injuries with a twisted sense of pride, he wondered what she thought of him now. Since the beginning of their marriage, he had been the protector, the Lieutenant Major that was all to trigger happy when it came to his wife. Now, he was half the man he was, his body thin and battered from his stay under Jacob's command. Infection festered in his wounds, leaving him far weaker than he cared to admit. Would she still love him? He tried to push away the shadow of doubt. Assurances brushed against his ears and she attempted to soothe him, and probably her own worries. He was home, he was safe, he'd survive. It was everything and yet it was impossible to lean into. Brows pulled together when she muttered of their failures. Who 'we' was, he wasn't sure, he could only guess. His family? Undoubtedly not her family. Ryker would move mountains and fell the heavens if thats what it took, and he was certain that his father would be right behind her. But Adeline attempted to paint a different picture. Scorn left her lips, causing him to blow out a quiet breath. "My father is practical." It wasn't quite a defense but he also wasn't in the mood to listen to her tell him that his father abandoned him entirely. "I wouldn't have gotten out..." If that cell door had swung shut with a click he wouldn't have gotten out alone and he doubted anyone would have been able to get in. Jacob's prisoner had not been anything like the Imperial dungeon. Speaking of his father, he was surprised when Adeline told him of the old wolfs suffering. At first a brow arched, as if to say 'yea right'. Until she told him of Illaria's demise. A shadow of pity crossed his visage. I saw so much death Kenny. Understandable in a time of war... - "What?!" Clarity shoved its way passed the herbal grogginess. "You were there?" And it all came violently crashing back in. He could still hear the description of wolves, the promise that some were dead. The one wolf described as Adeline though, it had stuck with him for weeks. It had been a weak point that was exploited. Dual tones eyes, still glossy, looked at her wildly. His pulse skyrocketed. "Why?" He growled out the word, unable to help himself. "If the accident will." "Kenzo Speech." "Adeline Speech"

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The longer she rested against him, the more she would notice the deterioration that this war had caused on him, able to smell more than just iron and dirt as she lingered. If she had just looked at him, scanned him over instead of keeping her gaze mostly on his damaged visage, she might have noticed the severity of his wounds sooner. That harsh smell of bacteria like that on a carcass, it made her stomach crawl and her skin tingle with a desire to move away and create distance as if it could spread to her. Self preservation had always been one of her biggest demons that made her as selfish as she was, her mind was far too adapted to want to get away from danger or submit to prevent harm. She thought it had changed with the fighting she endured during the war, that she stopped being so set on living but this feeling made her know that wasn’t the case.

She wouldn’t allow it to win and make her leave, clinging to him as if she never felt the ick at all. There was a different feeling too, one that wanted to care for him just like that one horrible night but she’d put that on the back burner while they spoke.

Her ears twitched to the sound of his voice sticking up for his father in a way, having thought he would have been angry by the lack of motivation to do anything by the colonel. Nalik had given up before he could even try and that just proved to her he was just as cold as her own parents who only cared if it affected their own images. Though she supposed she couldn’t hate the man entirely since he at least stayed in his kid’s lives and seemed to support them. Those thoughts would halt when he trailed off about something else and it made brows crease with curiosity and concern. She learned pushing him never got her far so she wouldn’t demand he speak up and tell her what he meant right now, as much as she wanted to. She could make guesses with everything else on what had gone on.

She flinched at his growl, ears splaying on the top of her head feeling like only she should be the one angry right now, not him but that came with her selfishness as a whole. “My family supplies books to the college. I was trying to make sure they were being taken out before destruction could mount and destroy everything my blood has accomplished within those walls for generations. War broke out while I was almost there and I got caught up in it. I would have ran, if it wasn’t for Mithras getting attacked by three feral women… he is blind, I couldn’t leave his catty judge ass to die,” she said with a heated flame, thinking of one of the few friends she had.

“I used what you taught me and stayed fighting after freeing him to try to find you, Kenzo. I didn’t see you anywhere…I panicked,” tears filled her eyes again, remembering how hopeless she felt. She bit back another reason she continued to fight. She almost wanted to be marred, if only so her mother might fully free her, yet she feared injury all the same. “It doesn’t matter. Only one hideous beast scraped me, and I took the bitch’s ear off in return,” she snarled back, meeting his ferocity with her own to show she is the one perfectly fine unlike him. At least, externally. Mentally she was in hell.

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He expected her questions more than her silence. But she didn't push, she didn't press him for answers he wasn't ready to give. Though he didn't expect she'd stay so quiet forever. Adeline would get her answers, one way or another, he knew at least that much about her. In this moment though, her silence was a blessing, a gift she likely didn't know she was giving him. His demons were his own and with their new presence in his life, he wanted to keep it that way for as long as he could. It was part of the reason why he forced his expression to smooth when she flinched at the growl in his voice. A storm raged within, one that he barely controlled. It was the adrenaline that flooded his system that kept him from giving into the herbs and easing into something more relaxed. Instead, Adeline painted a picture he never wanted to envision. She had been at the college when it all started. She had been there and he had no idea. His wife stood on the very same battlefield he had. Somehow, despite her inexperience, she had managed to come out unscathed. Physically at least. It was difficult to wrap his mind around. The fact that his wife, the woman he loved more than his next breath, fought in the same war he had. Blood stained her dainty paws. There had been a threat to her life. A very real one. One that had resonated with one particular Jacobite in particular. The wannabe solider had, in fact, described his wife. It had been Adeline on that field, one the three wolves described. His mouth went dry. Transported back to that day, he wouldn't ever forget waking up in that cell. The girl they had sent to interrogate him had been a joke, not that she had been shy about utilizing the muscle Jacob employed. Kenzo could practically taste the blood in his mouth all over again. His heart thundered against his chest, feeling like it might explode. His sides would rise and fall. "It was you." She'd have no idea what he meant, the words barely spoken above a whisper, murmured more to himself than to her and his worst nightmares were given life. But then Adeline was snarling, her ferocity filling the room and jerking him back into the present. His eyes refocused on her, brows pulling together in confusion. She'd maimed someone. As if he needed anymore shock today. "I'm sorry." For what exactly, he wasn't sure. He was sorry for being gone so long, for returning to her worse for wear, for nothing being where he should have been to shield her from all of this. For failing. Exhaustion would push through, his body sagging on its own accord as he sank into the linens, his breathing slowly evening out. That glaze was slow to return to his stare, but unwelcome sleep would claim him, his mind needing a break as much as his body. Still wrapped around his life, he made no effort to disengage from her, or offer her any hope of escaping him. exit "If the accident will." "Kenzo Speech." "Adeline Speech"

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Perhaps she should have retreated from the topic since he didn’t bring it back up after her lips stopped moving but there was one thing she truly wanted to get off her chest more than anything, something she never thought she would have aided in. Her lips went to part again, seemingly eager to speak about the murder she had witnessed. The one she had partook in, that wasn’t the woman that was soaked in Nalik’s scent and blood but the one the vibrant red woman had executed moments after her own attack. Though, before the words could even start to form, he would whisper something that would cause her to return to silence after it felt like it echoed in the little room scattered with medical supplies.

Ears would perk at three words that sounded to be about her and her heart would squeeze, not really knowing what he meant by that. She could make guesses. Her tail would sway, and she had gathered only one possible explanation that would result in her brushing a slender muzzle to his jawline with understanding affection. Assuming he had meant he survived for her. Nothing else that came to mind made any sense and she was hardly in lawyer mode at that moment. It was becoming easier to look at him, if only a little and in that she felt her focus entirely glued to him as if he might vanish if her gaze went another direction. His looks might have suffered, his body language was hardly like the man she knew but she held out hope that only a little time might change that, and she’d have the husband she loved back again.

Her attention would shift, however, after her growl rolled viciously within her throat, to the idea of getting him home. He looked patched up enough for her to take over care while having him safely back in their bed. She barely paid any mind to his apology, viewing it as just an impulse to ease that flicker of anger that took her over. “Let’s go-” she broke off as he started to fold, on the brink of squeaking as he toppled into her with his weight. He wasn’t as heavy as he once was, but it was still a lot for her small frame to handle.

“Ken!” she complained before she’d notice something wasn’t quite right.

Lifting her head, she would see the man had fallen asleep and she was now trapped within his hulking arms, unable to run off even if she wanted to. She’d let out a frustrated huff of false agitation before her gaze would soften and she’d gently groom him as he slept, getting any filth he could pass on off of her.

-exit via watching him sleep-

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