home is where you are

ONYXIA FEAR IS ONLY WHAT YOU MAKE IT

*set before the most current thread with sethos, before imprisonment*

Onyxia was weary about having to travel across the border, but she promised Ruel she would be back by note. That, and there was something else on her mind as of late. Since leaving him and returning "home" she could feel the homesickness settle in. She had a dream of him, one that was rather lovely and personal at the same time, and that was proof enough that something else was underlying. Was she falling in love with him? Onyxia knew very little what it was like to be that close to someone, never mind to love them. She wasn't close to her mother, or her father, and the closest thing she shared to that emotion was for her Uncle Anteros. Day by day she thought about it and finally she mustered up the courage the break the law.

Leaving Ruel was hard, but being away from him was harder. She left in the first place because she didn't want to drag him into the mess that now was the split of the lands. If they found out she stayed with him they would both be locked up, and he had a lot more to lose than she did.

Slowly she stepped in the warmth of the manor, so familiar she could draw the lining of the hallways with her eyes closed. She directed herself to his studies, knowing very well that was where she would find him either nose deep in a book, or worry painted over his brow. "Ruel?" she spoke softly as she entered the study, seeing him behind his desk looking as handsome as she left him.

code by claerie

Ruel —

He hadn't been sleeping—but not for lack of trying.

Each night, he tidied his affairs readily. Documents were sealed, waxed, and sent out with couriers. Messages were relayed to runners sent to personal quadrants of public avaiaries where ravens would be sent with coded descriptions of Rionna's affairs. Coins were counted, bartered goods carefully tabulated, antiques stored. Halibut was fed, his whole home dusted and set to rights, and Ruel would wander to bed. He'd lay down, close his eyes, and hope for dreams of Jewels.

Jewels, not Onyxia, because at least Jewels had been his even if she'd been a brief lie conjured by the woman herself. Onyxia was her true identity, her true self, but he had no memories with her. Onyxia had bled and healed within his home and then left with little more than a note all to keep him safe.

Ruel had tried to be mad at her. He'd attempted furiosity, jealousy, anger... but all those emotions just melted away in the face of what he really felt: sorrow and worry. He couldn't look at rain without hoping Onyxia had found shelter. Even the sunshine gave him pains: what if she'd gotten hurt and was laying somewhere with no water? It was maddening to wonder such things, to damn near obsess over them, and to have no possibility or opportunity of having answers.

He'd even sent a raven to his cousins up north only to have them question—in codes and riddles—if she was an important spy in order to justify their interest. It had taken all of his strength not to turn the raven into feathers.

...

Her voice caused an ear to flick and yet he did not look up. Instead, his brow furrowed and he stared down at a page all the more intently. He was tired of hoping for daydreams, of replaying her voice in his head in the hopes of not forgetting it.

But still his heart nagged at him. Something in the air smelled familiar (if not tarnished by travel). And he could have sworn that someone was looking at him—all foolish folly, yes, but did he dare resist longer? Sighing heavily, he looked up—and just stared. Because she was there.

In front of him.
Alive.
Concerned.

His sigh disappeared and his brown eyes widened. "Je—Onyxia..." It was difficult for him to find the words. Sharply, he stood, as if that might make her disappear into thin air. Then he stepped forward and bumped hard into his desk, the pain causing him to briefly flinch before looking back at her.

"This is no dream I take it." His voice was a whispered chuckle, although the warmth and hope in his eyes betrayed his melancholy of the past season.

ONYXIA FEAR IS ONLY WHAT YOU MAKE IT

There were many things that concenred her and caused her anxiety up until the moment of seeing him, the biggest one being fearful he was going to hate her. She knew, however, if he gave her the chance to speak—to explain, then maybe he would see her side of things. Ruel was good like that, even when he didn't owe her he found it in him to give her a chance. She hoped, for old times sake, that this would be another one of those times. When he stood he hit himself on the desk, her old alias threated to slip off his tongue, but he corrected himself. A small smile tugged her lips at the thought, though she still felt the pang of regret for having lied to him in the first place.

This is no dream I take it.

"Ironic choice of words, considering you graced my dreams in a very pleasant way not too long ago. One that I remember quite vividly," she replied back with a soft smile and a sigh, relief that he didn't seem too upset to say the least. Onyxia moved closer to him as she wrapped herself into the softness of his chest beneath his chin. She inhaled deeply, becoming lost in the musk of his familiar scent and briefly, ever so briefly, did she reminiscence on the intensity of the last time they had been so close. She closed her eyes, unwilling to pull away from him as she spoke softly into his fur. "I'm sorry for leaving you," slowly she would reel back so she could study his features. "I didn't want you to get into trouble for aiding my trespass, and I know it was selfish of me to not allow you to weigh in on that decision, but if I left up to you I know you would have had me stay." Her head shook at him softly, "I couldn't have that, Ruel, not after how hard you worked for all this and for only knowing me such a short time. I wouldn't be able to live with myself." She pressed her cold nose into his fur and sighed heavily.

"But I want to come back, and I want to find a way to do it legally." Orange eyes locked into his deep, soft, calming brown ones. "If you would have me, of course..." She then became quiet, allowing him the room to speak on his own behalf though she could feel the anxiety swell within her once more. What if he said no?

code by claerie

Ruel —

Her mention of a dream caused his ears to twitch, his brow lifting slightly as his own desires had manifested her more than once. Albeit, none had been in more compromising positions than in the last and most vivid.

Yet the press of her against his chest brought back that familiar sensation, reminding him of how she had rested there with the base of her tail teasing him just below his stomach. Again, he tensed the muscles within his core, restraining himself from indulging in too much too quickly—and then he realized the oddness of it all. She touched him as fondly as if they'd been physical before, here rather in the safe embrace of dreams.

But did he wish to remind her that theirs had not been so intimate a bond? Not when the touch of her was something he could hardly forget and would certainly remember.

She pulled back slightly but, thankfully, not too far. Her warm eyes held him as she apologized, simultaneously explaining herself in a manner none-too-dissimilar from the letter she had left. At that, his ears flicked back slightly. He had wanted to be mad at her and yet he couldn't muster the energy for such a thing. Once again, he felt as if he cradled a fragile bird with a once-broken wing. All he wanted was for her to fly again, yet she kept demanding to walk. For fear of falling? He wasn't sure.

"I won't tell you not to leave again," Ruel said, knowing better than to try and cage her. "But you must let me accept the consequences of my own actions." Gently, he rested his forehead against hers. "If I harbor fugitives, I'll take the fines and blame and martyrdome before I'll see you in chains. It's my right as a criminal." At that, his mouth twisted into a semblance of a wry smile.

"If I barter with some nobles to get them to claim you as a daughter or a niece, it's equally fair if I get found out. But—" and at that he paused to tap his forehead against hers. "I am terribly good at breaking the law."

He paused, mouth opening to ask her another question, but he stopped himself before he could.

He'd wanted to offer her a proper union, to know if she'd come back from a place of more than just platonic affection. But... that would be too much. She needed saving not him throwing his emotions on her and expecting her to carry them.

ONYXIA FEAR IS ONLY WHAT YOU MAKE IT

In the midst of the silence she could hear her heart hammering away in her chest, the anxiety of what he would say nearly ate her alive. She feared he would turn from her, be mad at her, and he would have been right to be so. He did for her what no one else would have, provided her with a home and peace, money, food, a life. He didn't owe her any piece of him and yet here he was, softened by her, understanding her, meeting level with her. There was so much she needed to tell him. She had learned the names of those who attacked her and left her for dead, he wanted those names some time ago for his own purpose which she did not question, but she would save that for later. In the moment there were other things that needed to be addressed.

Finally his voice broke the silence, and his words brought her comfort. The warmth of his forehead against her own caused her eyes to close as she released a long, pent up sigh. "I know," she spoke softly, "and a criminal hmm?" Orange eyes would open as she was met with the soft of brown, "I think you would make the shackles look like a good time instead of a bad time," she smirked.

"I won't get in the way of what you think is best, it's just, I—," the lump formed in her throat, knowing very well what she wanted to say, but no direction on how to say it. Over the months she had come to know him, live with him, stay with him, her feelings had been anything other than fleeting. How though? How could she tell him that she think she may have loved him, when she had only known love from her Uncle. Her mother had not been the love she needed growing up, and the only father figure she had was Anteros and even know she knew not what became of him. She inhaled a sharp breath, "I'm scared." She would finally admit as she pressed into the warmth of his chest again.

That dream, the one she could still remember so vividly, had been an eye opener to what she felt about Ruel other than the time they had spent together within it. He brought her comfort, but more than anything he gave her security and care. He was everything she ever wanted, but it always seemed too good to be true. Even now, even as she stood before him, she wanted to tell him, she wanted to say it with each ounce of happiness in her because that was what she felt.

But what if that feeling was not reciprocated?

Onyxia knew very well he was not going to let it end at that, and she did not expect him to. He would want an answer as to why, and if there was one thing she had always been it was honest, and sometimes too truthful. While she wasn't sure where, or how this was going to end up, she needed him to know. "I'm not good at this, please be patient with me," she would collect her thoughts before she continued. "These past months you have done so much for me," she withdrew back so she could look into those chocolate eyes that she had grown so familiar with. "Even on my deathbed, I saw you, every night, waiting for me to get up and you didn't have to. But you did." Onyxia shook her head softly, "I think these feelings I have, the way my heart beats faster when I see you. The way I miss you when you're away. The way your touch heats up my skin. I don't know how to explain it, I haven't ever felt that with anyone else or allowed anyone else to be that close to me in order for me to feel it." Her shoulders pulled into a shrug, her eyes softening into his. "I have only ever heard of what love was suppose to feel like, and it has a lot of the same characteristics that I explained so I guess what I am trying to say is that, I uh," she cleared her throat. "I am pretty sure I love you, Ruel, but it fucking frightens me. You. All of you, everything you are, it's all too good and worth too much to be wasted on me." Her brows knit together as her ears slowly folded back against her crown with slight embarrassment.

code by claerie

Ruel —

She played with his heart mercilessly whether she meant to or not.

Because how could he not love her? From the way that she melted into his touch to the way her lips twisted into a wry grin, her orange eyes glittering with mischief. It made him want to pull her closer, to kiss her and so much more—but only if she wanted it. At moments, it felt as if she did. At others...

"I won't get in the way of what you think is best, it's just, I—,"

Ruel drew back so that he could look in her eyes, his brow creasing and smile falling away.

"I'm scared."

He breathed out a soft sigh of relief—that he could fix. Mostly, anyway. Gently, Ruel pulled her in closer, his head tilting to the side in thought. "What's scary?" His question was soft as if he'd wait forever for an answer. Of course, he could guess what her answer might be, but then again he didn't want to. For someone as confident as Onyxia, he'd have thought her afraid of nothing. But, the more he'd gotten to know her, the more he'd come to see the cracks in her armor. If she wore anything, it was salvaged sheet metal.

Her answer might truly be everything. And that would be okay. He'd protect her with everything he'd built—and in some ways, it felt as if he'd always been building it just for her.

But she needed to let him use it without feeling guilty.

As she began to describe how much he's done for her, Ruel couldn't help but smile and shake his head. It was all too easy, he didn't deserve this thanks. He didn't even deserve this much wealth, he'd just accumulated it with wit and gile. That didn't make him a saint. If anything, he was much the opposite. For him to find her a new identity, to take her in, to give her enough status to pull her from the streets, was akin to another wolf offering to carry something home. It was nothing.

He wanted to tell her that him having so much was no reflection of his character and yet he found the words disappearing as she changed direction from gratitude to... to... love.

His eyes widened.
His heart felt as if it'd suddenly enrolled in drumming classes.
And for several seconds he forgot how to breathe.

But she'd asked for patience.

"I don't know what it is inside that broke and told you that you aren't good enough," Ruel murmured, gently reaching out to touch her cheek with his nose. "But it's wrong. And I don't know how to convince you of that." He paused to suck in a slow, steadying beath. "But we have time to learn. I'll gladly spend my entire life learning and understanding." He nudged her, hoping her eyes might lift again.

"Because I love you too."

And that was why he helped her. He wasn't a good man, a virtuous one, or a generous one. Ruel was a selfish bastard focused on a goal. Why else had he amassed so much and given so little away? But with Onyxia, it was so easy to throw it all away, to risk it all at the promise of her smile. He'd adorn her in it all just to feel like it was worth anything.

"But I won't abide you speaking ill of the woman possessing my most ardent affections."

Laughing quietly, he knocked his brow against hers again.