[ P ] Where Did We Go? I Love You

In the days that followed Kenzo's departure, Merrin observed her mate from afar. Luciel had not exactly been thrilled to host her eldest son after all that they had been through and the way that their paths had intertwined preciously. She could not blame him for it. The intensity of her motherly instincts, the drive to protect her children at all costs...it had put all of them at risk...again.

“Could you live with yourself after endangering the lives of your loved ones?"

The words of Colonel Bartosz echoed in her mind, taunting her in the aftermath of her impulsive decision. And what would you have had me do? Leave him there to die? I abandoned him once, Sylvain, and I will never do it again! She found herself at war with the shadow of the Colonel until it dissipated, leaving her with her own guilt. Kenzo had saved her life and brought her back home to Luciel instead of letting her rot in the dungeon...that was reason enough for her to save his. A life for a life...an equivalent exchange...

Even so...it was obvious that Luciel disapproved of her choice, no matter the reasoning for it. Since then, they continued their daily routines, but it felt as though a storm cloud loomed overhead. They still ate together, slept in the same bed of pelts, kissed each other good morning and good night...but, somehow it felt distant. Merrin could hardly stand it any longer. They were not getting any younger and this was not how she wanted them to spend what precious time they had left with each other.

She rose early one morning, preparing a hearty breakfast and packing a lunch for Luciel to take with him when he would go out to the ocean to fish. This time, however, there were two lunches by the mouth of the cave and the gear that her mate usually took with him was worn by a determined-looking Merrin eagerly awaiting him whenever he was readying to leave. “Take me fishing with you today." She requested eagerly. She quickly realized it sounded like more of a demand and he cheeks heated with a faint blush as she cleared her throat, adding, “Please...if you wouldn't mind..."

@Argent

table ; bunny - - art ; Raven

With the colder months rolling in and snow starting to fall fish were growing scarce. Argent barely had enough to trade for their daily necessities. He was worried that he might have to take up more work to cover their losses if he couldn't provide for them. He was about to go out to work when he saw Merrin waiting for him at the mouth of their cave.

An air of tension had been lingering in the air between them since the day she’d brought Kenzo to their home. What if he tells Nalik where we are? Or the army sends a patrol here? his worries fueled the tension and in the days that followed Kenzo’s departure he had patrolled the surrounding areas tirelessly to ensure that they were safe. Kenzo might have been important to Merrin, but to Argent he was a threat to their safety and nothing was more important than keeping her safe.

It was the first time his protectiveness had caused friction between them. Merrin's kind nature refused to abandon the man she still considered her son. It was something they couldn't agree on.

“You're sure you want to come along?” he asked, a little surprised that she wanted to join him. Fishing wasn't the most interesting thing to do and sometimes it was hours before he caught a single fish. “I don't mind. It's just… It’ll be cold and there's not much to do other than wait,” he told her, looking thoughtful. “I suppose I could teach you if you want to learn.”

code: elyon | art: amphi

Merrin had expected the Captain's surprise, certainly, but not his avoidant response. She blinked at him, a bit taken aback by the way he questioned her firm decision to join him on his ventures this day. Have we really grown this far apart...? The older woman's brows furrowed, her gut twisted with regret at having allowed the tension in their relationship go on without being addressed.

Luciel must have realized the way he'd sounded, for he continued to speak. His explanation made perfect sense to her...of course he was thinking of her well-being and only wishing for her to not be exposed to the conditions that he was when fishing. Her ears drew back slightly, her eyes rounding with concern at his train of thought. This wonderfully, selfless mate of hers would put himself in harms way for her if he thought that for whatever reason it suited her happiness...and she certainly did not want him making any assumptions of the sort.

“Luciel, I-" Merrin toon a couple of steps closer to him and then faltered, her eyes wandering his face that was now starting to show signs of their older age. He'd gained more silver in the darker ashen coloring of his muzzle and cheeks and about his eyes and ears. Her breath caught in her throat as if she were seeing just now noticing this change in him.

“You...you have become incredibly handsome..." She exhaled the words, allowing the thought to slip off of her tongue absentmindedly. Merrin realized she'd said it aloud and then cleared her throat with a nervous chuckle, the moment of a flustered, butterfly-filled heart taking her back to find memories of how they'd fallen in love. “Ehm, forgive me, I...it's just that...well, your Twilight years do look very good on you, love..."

Merrin sidled closer to him tentatively, unsure if she'd overstepped as she'd led their conversation sideways. “Truthfully...I don't care where we go or what we do or if it is cold and the weather is miserable...all I want is to be by your side, near you. I miss you, Luciel, I don't know if that even makes sense as we've been constantly around each other, but...agh, I am rambling, aren't I?"


@Argent

table ; bunny - - art ; Raven

It was almost natural for Argent to worry about Merrin of late. The state that she had been returned to him by her so-called son had devastated him. He had feared that she might never recover from her stress and when she’d returned to their new home with someone from the past that they were trying to escape it had made all those worries surface again. What if he lost her for real this time? Argent couldn't see Kenzo as Merrin's child, only a threat that had almost cost her her life once. He didn't know how to explain that to Merrin because he knew that despite everything she was a loving mother who had never stopped loving her children and he doubted that would ever change. How could he tell her then how much he feared her interactions with her older litter? He had kept such thoughts to himself, although he could hardly hide how upset he was from his mate.

”Luciel, I,” she began and he expected her to bring up his brooding, but she didn't. She admitted to admiring him which earned a gruff laugh because he certainly hadn't expected that. “If you're sure,” he answered and nodded. He could tell that his distance had made her feel anxious and he felt guilty about that. He just wasn't sure how to tell her why he was upset without hurting her.

“I know,” he assured her, leaning close so that the fluff of his cheek brushed against hers. “I’m sorry… I was just worried. I don't want you to get hurt again,” Argent explained, trying to be as gentle as he could. He didn't know what had happened at the cliff to put Merrin in that situation and he wanted to avoid anyone who could trigger it again.

code: elyon | art: amphi

Neither of them had expected her untimely compliment, it seemed, and his gruff laugh brought a sheepish smile to her face. She missed hearing his laugh and her ears swiveled to catch as much of the sound as she could before he acknowledged it. "I'm absolutely positive." She affirmed, making a note to herself that she should remind him of his good looks more often...even if it were to earn her a smile.

When her rambling came to an end, she glanced between her mate and her paws nervously. She at least wanted him to know that if nothing else, she still felt the same about him. In fact, if not for the strain of avoiding communication, she'd say that her bond with him had deepened. Despite what the world had thrown at her, he had stayed with her when she hadn't expected him to. She felt the soft silken lengths of the fur about his cheeks touch hers and she nestled into it while listening to him patiently.

His apology brought forth a surge of emotion and she slowly leaned back and away from him to peer up into his eyes. "I never intended for you to take on such a burden..." Her voice wavered and she frowned, seeing now how the aging might have only been accelerated from his involvement in her own mess. "Can we...? Do you think...that we could talk about all of this? I want to know...what is weighing heavily on your heart. I want to carry this with you instead of watching you do it on your own..." Her voice lowered to a whisper as she lifted a paw and rested it against his opposite cheek. "I want to be better for you...I just need to know how I can try to fix this and I'll spend the rest of my life doing just that..."


@Argent

table ; bunny - - art ; Raven

Everything was weighing on him. Leaving behind the only home he had ever known and coming to the land of his enemies. Argent felt the division within him causing further fractures in his resolve. He was still loyal to King Adamh and he felt torn. The army, a group that he had once called family, was a threat to his actual family. Could he still call himself a true Royalist if he was an outlaw in another land? He thought of the noble soldiers and friends he had left behind. Nassar, Kvothe, and Sylvain. They were the only reason that believed the army could still be good. That Lenora could still have a bright future in their ranks.

“Understood, Partner,” his voice rumbled softly in agreement, using the old nickname that they had shared in their early days. With Merrin by his side, maybe he could catch twice as many fish and trade it for something nice for dinner. There was still the unspoken heaviness that weighed between them waiting for one of them to breach it first. Merrin coaxed him to open up and his brow furrowed with worry. Burden was not the word he would use to describe anything he felt towards Merrin, even the worry. “It's not a burden. It's love,” he insisted with a grumble, shaking his head at how cheesy that sounded. His younger self would have bit his own tongue trying to say them so boldly.

“I’m afraid, Merri. When I saw him in our den I thought he would take you away from me. I almost lost you once… and it was because of that family,” he opened up about the fears he had and his large head lowered with guilt.

“You don't need to fix anything. None of this is your fault. We can be happy here and we can do it together,” he insisted, planting kisses on the paw that touched his cheek.

code: elyon | art: amphi

Merrin's eyes softened as Luciel put her statement in a different light. He didn't view it as a burden. It was love. Even in the way he grumbled and shook his head, she could feel his truth in those words. Speaking them aloud seemed to give him the courage to let his other thoughts be known. The elder woman listened with unwavering patience as Luciel voiced what were ultimately his fears.

When his head lowered, she dipped her muzzle beneath his chin to lift it so that she could see him. And she did, so plainly as day, a man who would risk his own life if it meant that his family could carry on happily for the rest of their days. “I understand...and I am sorry that I was so careless..." She bit the inside of her cheek and dropped her own gaze, her ears laying back as she felt a wave of emotion course through her. “You know that I couldn't just leave him, Luciel...not...not again..." She uttered, trying to keep her composure as she tried to explain herself. She drew in a breath and released it, nodding to herself as she mentally soothed herself. “I realize that doesn't excuse my actions...I just want you to understand how difficult it has been with the three of them..."

Merrin leaned up against Luciel while he offered assurances and kissed her paw, for the strength that he'd always provided in their relationship. Then she began to release what had been weighing so heavily on her through the entire mess. “I know they are not my babies anymore, if they ever had been, that is...and I wonder if I had stayed or...or even found a way to take them with me...who they would have been..." Her lip began to tremble as she recalled the night she'd left and the way she'd seen the toll it had taken in each reflection of her grown children's eyes. “I took that from them, Luciel...I took that and I can't ever give it back..." Merrin allowed tears to flow, pressing her face into his coat. Perhaps with the weight of both of their fears and regrets removed, they could move forward.

@Argent

table ; bunny - - art ; Raven

The emotions that he hated seeing in those lovely lilac eyes reflected back at him, sadness, regret, guilt, he hated that he had contributed to them. Argent wordlessly nuzzled into her cheek as she spoke, a silent way to reassure her that he understood her. He listened while fussing over her, before he finally pulled away to look her in the eyes. “I know. You wouldn't have forgiven yourself if you hadn't helped him,” he murmured softly, knowing it couldn't have been avoided yet still feeling ruffled by one of the Verlices in his home. He knew they were Merrin’s children too, but he couldn't see them as anything other than threats because of the condition Merrin had been left in after encountering them.

When Merrin revealed her deepest regrets he was there to offer his shoulder to give her strength. What she was saying wasn't surprising to him. What mother wouldn't want to be there for her children? It had been an impossible situation and he had never blamed her for that. “If you had stayed he might have killed you. If you had taken them with you they wouldn't have survived the journey. You barely did yourself, Merri and you would have blamed yourself for it,” he bluntly told her what he believed to be the reality of her situation. “If you did stay then I never would have met you and we wouldn't have our family,” he explained, trying to make her see things a little differently. “And I know that can't replace what you might have had with your children, but you deserve to be happy too,” he gently insisted, wanting her to believe what he was saying because it was the truth.

code: elyon | art: amphi

Having her mate there with her while she continued to grieve the loss of the children that she would never get to know made all the difference in the world. With the way he nuzzled her and fussed over her...how could she have ever doubted his love? Merrin let her tears flow freely, unable to speak, but nodding with what he was saying. Deep down she knew that any other scenario would have ended in her death or theirs. In the end she chose the risk that cost Etherea her life...another loss that haunted her.
All of this suffering might have cost a single life either way...would it have been so bad if Etherea had lived and she had not?

The elderly mother squeezed her eyes shut and busted her face into the arctic fluff of Luciel's chest, the safest space she'd ever known. The thought of having not tried at all and missing out on meeting Luciel completely was a thought she could not bear. Merrin hugged into his form more tightly and then withdrew only to peer into the starlight eyes that had always kept her grounded. “You have given me life's greatest gifts and I could never express my gratitude enough. Because of you, I discovered what love truly is...because of you, Luciel, I had the incredible opportunity to be a mother to our pups...and I...I got to see you be a father..."

She presses a paw into his chest where she could feel his heartbeat as she touched her nose to his. “You are the one who deserves every happiness that you can find in this world..." Merrin insisted, holding his gaze for a moment. Then she swallowed hard and frowned, her lavender orbs lowering. “I feel in my heart of hearts that...my decision to leave had been the best one, because it did lead me to you and made the trials of my past life worth it...but, because I know that I feel that way despite the harm my actions caused..." She lowered her head, shaking it mournfully. “...I don't believe I deserve to be happy, I just don't..."

@Argent

table ; bunny - - art ; Raven

The recent stresses that had forced them out of Rionnach and into Saora had aged them both. What earthen hues had painted her beautiful silhouette were now tipped with silver, giving her a distinguished look that Argent found very attractive just as she did him. Silver eyes gazed at her with admiration as they bared their hearts to one another, nursing each other's wounds with their endless love. “And I got to see you be the most amazing mother guiding me through my clumsy attempts at being a new father. I wouldn't have got this far without you,” he assured her, planting a sweet kiss on her cheek.

Listening to her recount her emotional pain was hard, but necessary. They didn't have anyone other than each other to help them through the darker times and there had been plenty of those of late. Wherever it was he just wanted to be at peace with Merrin and find happiness in their final years on this earth. “There's a flaw in your logic. I cannot be happy unless you are happy. I guess I will have to keep trying to make you believe so this frown of mine doesn't become permanent,” he answered playfully, but he meant every word as he held her close.

“Now shall we go catch these fish before they fall asleep waiting for us?” a smile touched his lips for the first time in days as he thought about spending time in the ocean with his beloved. They would likely spend more time goofing off than working, but it was all worth it to him.

code: elyon | art: amphi